Friday, January 17, 2014

A Mid-January Report

Cheerio! I bet you heard that a lot in the past week. I gotta say, before I was demoted, I was really looking forward to this little excursion. There's nothing like international travel to clear your mind. Plus, I've always had a soft spot for England: ale, bangers and mash, the Queen, cricket, cops not carrying guns -- just a terrific society. And, I just love that British humor. The first time I saw Monty Python's "Holy Grail," I almost died. ("It's only a flesh wound!") Of course, you can complain about the weather. But sometimes a nice, rainy day can really make you feel alive.

Anyway, here are some notes:

- Of course, Joe would dominate in London. There's something kind of English about him. He's understated, polite, stiff upper lip and all that, but you don't want to mess with him. Andray Blatche, who also had a terrific game, blows this theory out of the water, though. He is as American as a slice of ziti pizza.

- You've probably already guessed it, and, yep, you're right, I'm out of the woods and back in the friendly confines of North Jersey. Things got really spiritual and metaphysical towards the end of my stay there in the woods. I went on a a five-day fast and drank a ton of green tea. I realized a few things about the reality of the world that we are living in. Maybe I'll share it all with you at a later date.

- But, I'm back and I'll be honest, I've been watching a lot of TV the past few days. What's up with all these commercials for "Monuments Men"? Something's not adding up. Clooney, Murray, Goodman, that buffoon from "Downton Abbey," and the movie is coming out in February? That one has "bust" written all over it.

- I'm all over the place this morning, but this is what you get when you leave a mind like mine unoccupied for over six weeks. I'd like to say I'll get back in the swing of the daily reports, but that's just not my style. You can call me many things, but "liar" isn't one of them.

- I love the snow, but I'm thinking about taking a trip to some warmer climes. I'm interested in the Caribbean, but airfare is just a killer these days.

That's all for me. I have some leftover venison, so I think I'll make a stew.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

A Humble Report from the Woods

I gotta say, this last week has been humbling. Not just for me, but for haberdasheries all around the tri-state area. Not only do you not need daily reports to set off on a four-game winning streak, but you also don't even need a tie! Who knew? If it's all right with you, though, I'll continue to wear one while I write the reports.

Here are some notes from the last week:

- My god, was it cold. What started out as a simple existential, soul-searching retreat to the northern woods turned into mid-July at Vostok Station. Just my luck.

- I'm not getting the full story, but it seems like there's some controversy involving traffic on the George Washington Bridge. I'm not sure why this is a big deal -- there's always traffic on the GWB. But there are ways around it. If you really want to get on the bridge in heavy traffic, all you have to do is take Lemoine Avenue past Fort Lee High School and McDonald's and then sneak onto the on-ramp to the bridge right in front of the EZ Pass lanes in the middle of that whole nightmare entrance. I know you're probably confused, but any real Jersey guy knows this trick. I can email you a sketch if you need it.

- I'm staying in the woods for a little bit longer. I'm getting closer and closer to the true nature of my self. I'm stripping away my ego, super-ego, and all that other nonsense and really zeroing in on my core.

- Oh yeah, basketball. I guess just keep doing what you're doing. Paul Pierce at the 4, Livingston at the 2, running your offense through Mirza -- sounds good to me.

- What the hell is Vin Baker doing in North Korea? He's a good guy and I hope he gets out of there in one piece.

I'm on day three of a fast, so no pithy food comments today. We'll be in touch.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Report from the Snow

I was actually thinking about leaving the cabin yesterday, but then I got engrossed in this Winston Churchill biography, and then it started to snow, and now I'm pretty much stuck. I'm surrounded by about two feet of snow and I just don't have the energy to dig myself out. Luckily I have plenty of squirrel, venison, and chickpeas to get me through the day.

On to the notes:

- Joe Johnson. What can I say? That guy is just an ice-blooded maniac assassin.

- You might not believe me, but, before the game, something told me, at the very least, this wouldn't be an embarrassing loss. I always say, you have a real shot to win any time you're playing a team that gives serious minutes to Kendrick Perkins.

- How do you decide not to wear a tie? Do you consult with your staff? Run it by Billy and Proky? Did the fact that it was a Thursday night in Oklahoma sway your thinking? Personally, I'm a tie guy, but you actually pulled it off last night.

- I caught the end of that Knicks game and, boy, that was something. Shumpert and Belinelli trading baskets, Beno Udrih in the mix, Boris Diaw standing around not doing anything of any real significance -- it felt like I was watching the 2019 Turkish League All-Star game.

- All jokes aside, I get a little nervous when these big upsets happen in sports. If the Knicks and Nets can go to San Antonio and Oklahoma City, respectively, and get wins on the same night, what kind of world are we living in? I'm afraid that I'll take a dog-sled down to the general store tomorrow and a gallon of milk will cost fifty bucks.

That's all for me. For some reason, I really got a craving for a glazed donut.