Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Year's Eve Report

I know this may come as a shock, but I'm not a big fan of New Year's Eve. I'm not much for organized revelry and, anyway, my year runs from October to June, so December 31 is just another day on the calendar for me, and it's usually one that has some serious NBA action that requires my attention.

Here are some notes:

- You got the Spurs tonight and it won't be fun. Don't be surprised to see a lot of Aron Baynes and Nando De Colo. I can't think of one good reason why Pop would play Duncan and Parker and, hell, even Tiago Splitter for more than a quarter.

- I'm starting to get the hang of this country living. What's important is to have a routine. You gotta make sure you have your food and wood ready for the night before noon and, if you're planning to hunt and ice-fish, your gear needs to be ready to go at first light. The sun goes down quick and early up here. You don't want to get to 2:30 in the afternoon and be standing around like a sailor waiting for hardtack and salted pork.

- If you got time, maybe go and sit in the Alamo for an hour or two this afternoon. I always find that quiet reflection in national historic places really helps me to clear my head.

Win or lose, don't get too crazy tonight. Time to soak some lentils.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Another Report from the Woods

I'm not sure how much longer I can last here in the woods. I'm really starting to miss all those wonderful North Jersey amenities. Do you know how much work it takes just to get a wood stove going? Of course you don't.

Anyway, here are some pre-game notes:

- Thoroughly decent win last night against Milwaukee. Shaun Livingston as starting shooting guard? I guess that's why you get paid the big bucks.

- I heard the news about Bynum earlier today and it really makes you think. If you got Andrew's number, text it over to me. I got an extra bedroom here at the cabin and I feel like I could help him sort through a few things. Plus, there's actually a really nice bowling alley just about a half-hour up the road.

- Somehow you're up against the Pacers tonight for the 16th time this season. I got nothing. Vogel's got those guys playing like the '85 Royals. Just sit back and try to soak it all in and use it as a learning experience.

My cable's a little spotty so I might not be able to watch tonight's beatdown. But I found an apple at the bottom of my backpack, so that's a plus.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas Report

I'm not a big holiday guy and you and I have had our differences the last few months, but nevertheless I hope you're having a decent Christmas.

Anyway, in between cutting wood, foraging for walnuts, and searching for my soul, I caught a few minutes of that horrible game at my cable-equipped cabin out here in the forest. Here are some notes:

-  With all the sleeves and those striped socks, I felt like I was watching Barnum & Bailey's circus. This isn't the NBA I grew up with.

- I really like the way that Jimmy Butler kid carries himself. I feel like he could be a senator when his playing days are over, or at least a state senator.

- I think we can all agree that this season is a lost cause. For the rest of the way, I got two words for you: Mason Plumlee. He didn't play his best today, but he's the future of the Nets.

Back to chopping wood for the fire. It's a cold one.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Daily Report - 12/23/2013

I gotta be honest with you, I'm having something of an existential crisis here. I've been on the NBA sidelines virtually every night for the last 16 years and now here I am sitting on a couch or a chair or sometimes on the floor watching the games on TV. Do you realize how many commercials there are? I really had no idea. It's downright sickening. All this "buy, buy, buy" "spend, spend, spend." I'm just not sure I'm cut out for this 21st century consumer culture.

So, I have decided to head out to the woods to do some soul-searching maybe for a week, maybe two weeks, maybe for months, maybe for years (probably not years). I'm not exactly going off the grid, but maybe to the edge of the grid, the fringe of the grid. I'll still be filing my reports, if not daily then bi-daily or tri-daily. If you could tell Prokhorov and Billy for me, it would be much appreciated. Billy is still not returning my texts and last I heard from Proky, he said he would only be available via messaging drone after December 20.

Anyway, good luck against Indy tonight and Chicago on Christmas. As for the Pacers, your goal tonight should be making sure that Lance Stephenson does not get a triple-double. As for Chicago, I hope you've been practicing with all types of sleeves.

I'm having a good, hearty breakfast of steak and eggs before heading out on the road. My diet will mainly consist of nuts and berries for the foreseeable future.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Daily Report - 12/22/2013

Between the 85-degree weather and Lopez's devastating injury, I'm all out of sorts today.

Just some short notes today:

- I really can't get over this weather. I guess this is what Christmas is like in Jacksonville.

- I hope you got all your Christmas shopping done. I just went out to get almond milk and it's insane out there. Insane.

- As we talked about yesterday, you have a probable loss against Indy coming up tomorrow. Normally I wouldn't suggest this, but, seriously, put as little preparation into that game as you can. Trust me. Vogel knows the moves you're gonna make. In this league you have to know when to wave the white flag.

-This Lopez injury has really got me down. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. I'm sending a box of comic books over to Barclays.

Just some bagels and lox this morning. No big deal.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Daily Report - 12/21/2013

UPDATE (11:21 AM): I was just getting my French toast batter ready when I saw the sad, sad news about my man Brook Lopez. Hang in there, big guy. 

Well that's a kick in the pants. You're on nice little run, got some quality wins under your belt, and then, boom!, two losses to two pretty horrible teams. At least last night you put on a good show for the fans. And as long as you hover around .350 you'll have a chance for home-court advantage in the terrible East if you can win three or four in a row in March or April.

Here are today's notes:

- Alan Anderson looks like a young Jim Jackson out there. Keep giving him minutes.

- So, Brook, Paul, Deron, the aforementioned Alan all had great offensive games last night. This one really seems like a missed opportunity. I know you gave up on actual defensive schemes about three weeks ago, but I think it could have helped in a game like last night's. (Joke!)

- Another DNP for Reggie? What are you doing? This man needs his basketball. And if you don't give him some good, hard-nosed hoops action, he'll go out and find it on his own and then you'll get a call at four in the morning and have to drive out to some court in Flatbush with a blanket and a canteen of hot tea. Don't say I didn't warn you.

- I know you got Indy on Monday, but we can just pencil in a loss for that one. I'd already start looking ahead to the Christmas game against Chicago. It's a national audience, so you'll want to get your beard in order.

- Also, speaking of the Christmas game, I think you'll be wearing sleeves for some strange, marketing-related reason? Start practicing with sleeves today. Actually, just go for long sleeves or turtlenecks. It's like warming up for an at-bat with a doughnut.

Time for French toast and homemade pumpkin spice latte. I'm not playing around this morning.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Daily Report - 12/20/2013

Philly again. It must get tiring preparing for sub-.500 teams night after night, knowing that there is a real chance you could lose and could lose horribly.

Here are some notes to get you going:

- You played the Sixers earlier in the week and it was a joke for everyone involved. If I remember correctly, you almost dropped 200 on them and Joe shot something like 23 for 25 from the three-point line. Just do everything exactly the same tonight.

- I've always had good luck buying shoes in Philly for some reason. It's usually tough for me to go to a store in New York and walk out with a good pair of sneakers. I wear a size 10 and those fly off the shelf like Bernard King rookie cards. In Philadelphia, though, it's not the case.

- You see the weather report? It'll be almost 70 on Sunday! There are few things I hate more than freakishly unseasonably warm temperatures in December. It's always nice to walk around town in a light windbreaker, but these types of weather patterns just confuse me.

Just some oatmeal with strawberries and brown sugar for me. Have fun tonight.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Daily Report - 12/19/2013

So, who knew? Those Wizards are an actual basketball team. I really like what Randy Wittman is doing down there. They're not doing anything flashy, but if you rest on your laurels for a second, they'll run right into your living room and steal your couch and coffee table.

Here are the day's notes:

- I'm not gonna lie, I might have glanced over at the Pacers-Heat game. I know, I know, I could just DVR both games and watch them at my leisure. But then you gotta worry about the ESPN ticker and sometimes you forget and switch back to the original game and you see the final score. Too many complications. In any case, Lebron James sure knows his way around a basketball court.

- I love everything about Bradley Beal, including his name. If I was writing a young adult novel about a talented high school basketball player who has to move to a new town for his senior year and is not immediately accepted by his teammates and stays up all night shooting hoops at the neighborhood court with his dog, Bradley Beal would be a great name for that character.

- What did I tell you about Nene? He just ties that whole team together.

Time for some yogurt and granola. I'm gonna keep it healthy this morning.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Daily Report - 12/18/2013

Big game against the Wizards tonight. If you want to crawl back into the playoff race, this is a game that you gotta win or at least not lose by 20 points.

Here are some notes:

- I know you're expecting me to go on a whole John Wall rant and say that he's destroying the integrity of the NBA, but I'm actually a huge fan of the guy. Sure he doesn't always make the right decision on the court, but who does? Bright future for the kid.

- I know he's questionable for tonight, but I'm also a big, big Nene guy. As a league, I don't think we fully appreciate the skills that the big guy brings to the table. He can pass, shoot, set picks, make phenomenal inbound passes -- he can do it all. I bet he also plays the piano really well or is great at calligraphy or pottery. Just an impressive individual.

- Let Mirza shoot 30-35 times tonight. It's gonna happen sooner or later, so just let him get it out of his system. You never know. He could be the next Bob McAdoo.

- I'm not sure what's going on with Brook's ankle, but at this point, I'd just be safe and rest him until February or March. Blatche is up to task and it's a fun challenge trying to win without your best player.

You know what? I'm just gonna go for it this morning. I'm going down to the deli to get a bacon, egg, and cheese.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Daily Report - 12/17/2013

More snow! This is like a December in the Upper Peninsula. I hope you and the guys have some time to enjoy it today. Why not organize a team sledding outing? Fort Greene Park or Prospect Park could be good venues or maybe even that weird little astroturf hill in front of Barclays.

Just some short notes today:

- Don't get too excited about the win last night. I'm gonna be totally honest -- even I haven't heard of half of these guys on the Philly roster. But, hey, you can only beat the team who's trying to lose that is put in front of you.

- What a game from my guy Joe Johnson. I wish I could have been there last night to give him a nice, firm handshake. 

- Still no feedback, but you seem to have taken my advice about Mirza. I'm usually not a fan of indiscriminate three-point bombing, but that's what Teletovic was born to do.

That's all I got today. It's hard to sit in front of a computer screen when there's a winter wonderland right out my window. It looks like a quaint Scandinavian village out there. I love it.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Daily Report - 12/16/2013

I gotta say, I'm loving Sundays now that I got some time off. It doesn't get much better than sitting on the couch and watching 300-pound guys with names like Frostee Rucker and Alterraun Verner pummel each other for ten-plus hours. Have you ever just sat down and watched the Red Zone channel for a whole day? It feels like you're doing something very wrong, but you're not. It's just good, clean, American fun.

On to the notes:

- I know it's only December, but tonight's game against Philly is a must-win. If you're not gonna be able to get by the Sixers on a Monday night, it's time to pack it in.

- Keep your eye on Spencer Hawes. If he was a little smaller, he's the type of guy that would try to sneak into the opposing team's huddle. He's up to no good.

- I heard Mirza and Joe are a little sick. Call me crazy, but I've always found that green tea, hot and sour soup, and chorizo tacos make me a feel better. If that doesn't work, try a Tom Cruise movie marathon. Top Gun to Eyes Wide Shut, the guy's got a great catalog. 

That's it for today. I'm gonna poach an egg.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Daily Report - 12/15/2013

So I was all set to go out on a nice midnight snow walk last night and I look outside and, guess what? It's raining! Don't you hate it when a good, old-fashioned snowstorm turns into some dumb rain? And now it froze over this morning and I gotta get out there with an ice pick just to clean my sidewalk and driveway. I missed all the terrific North Jersey amenities the last several years, but I gotta say, that type of thing doesn't really happen as much in Boston and Detroit. When it snows up there, it stays snow. Good, strong snow. None of this wintry mix, rain mixing with and changing to snow.

Anyway, basketball. Normally on days like today (no game last night or tonight), we would all gather around and watch you play Shaun Livingston one-on-one for a couple hours, but today I'd suggest some kind of team-building exercise. How about a game of manhunt or capture the flag in Barclays? (Maybe that won't work because Christina Aguilera or 98 Degrees or someone has a show tonight?) What about a Nok-Hockey tournament? Or air hockey? Or maybe a screening of White Men Can't Jump? That movie always cracks me up. The point is, try to have some fun with the guys. That's what's it's all about, right? You're on a moderately decent run so try to ride that little wave.

No bullet-point style notes today. I hope that's ok with you (actually I really don't care). I'm a little distracted. My driveway is a mess and I can't decide between pulled pork or roasted chicken for football today. I'll see what the butcher recommends.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Daily Report - 12/14/2013

So I feel like a jerk. I was going through my downstairs hall closet this morning, looking for snow boots, and guess what I found? That's right -- my brown suede shoes! Sorry to send you on a wild goose chase. Let the guys know, my shoes are safe and sound.

Here are some notes:

- That game against Detroit was one of the most nondescript games in the history of the NBA. It's always nice to see Mo Cheeks on the sidelines, but it really seemed like Kyle Singler was the only guy who was happy to be out there on the court last night. 

- I shouldn't say that. Mirza showed up too. Big time. I could just watch that guy drain buckets all day and all night. This is gonna sound nuts, but I'd give some serious thought to playing him 48 minutes a night. When could the team not use a cold-blooded shooter just drilling it from anywhere within the half-court line?

- Speaking of Mirza, what's this I hear about possibly trading him and Bojan, Our Man in Istanbul, for Kyle Lowry? I've been taking a lot of naps lately so maybe I just dreamed that one up.

That's all I got today. I wanna get out to the sled run before the 12-year-olds show up.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Daily Report - 12/13/2013

Before we start, I have a procedural question. You had a game last night, a game tonight, doesn't it seem a little weird that some of these reports will concern two games, while others are just me pontificating on eggs and coffee? Could a day like today earn me a day off or get me a couple thousand extra bucks? I know you're really not the person to go to, but Billy is not responding to my texts and I can't figure out how to work that plasma phone that Prokhorov gave us to get in touch with him. Run it up the flagpole and see what you find out.

I'm obviously not gonna get an answer before I send this report out, so here are some notes:

- So, nice little three-game winning streak you have there. I gotta say, you did a great job beating an exhausted team in the middle of a massive road trip and coming off an emotional win less than 24 hours earlier. Joke! That was a quality win.

- As for Detroit tonight, it's a similar situation as to what I was saying about Doc yesterday. I got a special place in my heart for these guys. I could tell you just what embarrassing childhood memory to bring up to make Andre Drummond cry. I could tell you what common woodland animal Greg Monroe has an irrational, debilitating fear of. But I just can't do that to my guys. You're gonna have to beat them playing old-fashioned, hard-nosed basketball.

- One tip I got, let Josh Smith and Brandon Jennings make their first couple shots and don't be afraid to go down big in the first quarter. Their confidence will be high, they'll keep shooting, and, sooner or later, their averages will catch up with them. Worst case scenario, this strategy backfires and you're, what, three games out of fourth place in the East?

- I'm pretty excited for the snow tomorrow. I got my Radio Flyer all waxed up. I do need a scarf and some better gloves, though. Maybe I'll stop by Nordstrom.

That's it for now. I'm gonna get some homemade hot chocolate mix ready for the weekend.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Daily Report - 12/12/2013

You’ve got a big one tonight. National TV audience, lots of beard time, and a bona fide NBA team from west of the Mississippi.

As you know, there are few people in the world who I respect more than Doc Rivers. He’s a head coach who really appreciates a good defensive assistant who gets up from his seat on the bench every now and then. Anyway, like I told you when we played the Clippers in November, it would be unethical for me to reveal certain parts of his game planning. Seriously, I could tell you one or two things and you’d win by 30-35 points, guaranteed. But I just can't do that to my buddy Doc.

Here are some notes, but not the supercharged, top-secret notes that I could be giving you:

- I’m just gonna be totally honest and say that I have no idea what Chris Paul will do on a play-by-play basis. He’s playing Risk and the rest of us are stuck on Connect-4.

- Same with Jamal Crawford. I just love watching him play. Nice guy, too. Sometimes you just gotta sit back and enjoy the show.

- And now, Stephen Jackson’s on the Clips! Add in DeAndre and Jared Dudley and this is just a wacky and fun crew. I’m gonna miss this game if for nothing more than the pre- and post-game banter.

- Everyone loves to talk about how Blake Griffin is soft but I’m not buying it. He’s one hard foul away from totally losing it and, quite frankly, our frontcourt can’t handle that. I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but if Blake looks like he might blow, just send Reggie in there. He’ll give him a big hug, whisper something creepy in his ear, and everyone will go home happy.

- These notes look pretty bleak, but the Nets did put up a good fight against the Clips last month without Brook, Deron, KG, and Pierce. So don’t be afraid to give guys like Alan and Blatche some extra PT. But if you let this game turn into some kind of runway fashion show, the Nets will be toast.

I think I’m in the mood for a nice diner breakfast. Have a good one.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Daily Report - 12/11/2013

That was pretty much a decent win last night. At times it felt like I was watching an over-40 YMCA team playing Duke’s JV team, but a win is a win. You’ve got some good momentum now and an off-day to prepare for a tough game against the Clippers on Thursday. Don’t waste the day thinking of more thirteen-letter words to throw around.

Here are some notes:

- Deron sure had a spring in his step. I was not expecting that at all. Did Prokhorov hire that German doctor you were telling me about?

- There was stretch in the third quarter where Andray Blatche was trying to dribble around like a young God Shammgod. I saw you benched him for similar antics in the fourth quarter, but it really shouldn’t get to that. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m a big believer in running laps.

- Are you sure Paul Pierce should be out there? He broke his hand ten days ago! I don’t know what’s going on, but it seems like someone is playing power games in the training room. Watch out for that.

- It’s not too early to start thinking about the Clippers. I think a few of their games have been taped this year.

- I liked the third quarter energy but what the heck happened there in the fourth? I bet you muttered one or two thirteen-letter words during that stretch. (Joke!)

- I don’t like Shengelia’s body language during the timeouts. Give him some type of project during the games. Maybe tracking all the ways Brook doesn’t rebound.

- Same with Reggie. You’re playing a dangerous game giving him DNP-CDs. The thought of him roaming the streets of Brooklyn without a good hard-nosed basketball game in his system is a little bit frightening.

Stay warm today. I’m gonna do some experiments with hot apple cider.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Daily Report - 12/10/2013

Apologies for the tardiness today. I was drinking my morning cappuccino, looking out my window at the snow coming down, and next thing I know, it's almost 9 am!

Anyway, tonight you got the Celtics coming to Brooklyn. If you had told me six weeks ago that Boston would have four more wins than the Nets and I would be watching this game on my flat-screen in my lounge, I would have had your locker searched for contraband. But this is the world we live in.

On to the notes:

- I really like the cut of Brad Stevens's jib. He reminds me of a young Lawrence Frank.

- Related to the first note, you are going to get out-coached tonight. And that's fine because you got talent on your side. Just let Brook and Joe do their thing.

- Looks like Deron will be coming back tonight. I really don't know what's going on with his ankles. All I can suggest is maybe he shouldn't jump at all tonight?

- Jordan Crawford kind of scares me. He's like that kid in high school who you let copy your homework once and then he wants to sit next to you every time there's a test. I'm not sure how that translates to the basketball court, but don't let him get going.

- Wallace and Humphries will come out blazing tonight. And by blazing I mean they could score 16 points between them and one of them might attempt a dunk. Don't get caught up in Hump's Hollywood mind games and don't be afraid to send Reggie in there to neutralize the situation.

A few more inches and it could be snowman time. I'll keep you in the loop. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Daily Report - 12/9/2013

What a weekend. The return of a legend, a barely relevant trade, and, I don't know about you, but I love a good football game in the snow.

Your thoughts are probably more focused on the horrific game at the Garden yesterday afternoon, though. Now, I know what you’re thinking. The Nets lost to the Knicks by 30 points on Thursday, the Celtics beat the Knicks by 40 points yesterday, ergo, the Nets are going to lose to the Celtics by around 70 points tomorrow night. I don’t think that’s likely, but you never know these days.

On to the notes, which today are actually just a few questions:

 - Do you really want these every day? There was no game yesterday, no game today, on a day like this, should I just give you my recipe for ziti or something?

- I have a sneaking suspicion you’re not reading these reports. I haven’t gotten any feedback. No sweat off my back. I'm being handsomely compensated, as you know, but maybe you want the notes in a different form? I know you're more of a visual learner. Maybe we could Skype? 

- I promise this is the last time I'll bring this up, but have you found my brown suede shoes? You can just write back "yes" or "no." No big deal. If you've had no luck, check the weight room.

I'm gonna attempt a mocha latte this morning. Wish me luck.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Daily Report - 12/8/2013

All right, that was a win. It goes without saying that you shouldn't get too excited about it. That Bucks team is so atrocious, I'm actually confused by them. What exactly are they trying to accomplish? You really gotta feel for those Bucks fan. That crowd was East Rutherford-esque.

Not too much to say about the hoops action last night, but here are some thoughts:

- You got two days off before Boston on Tuesday. Don't take it for granted. Can I suggest, GAME FILM? Seriously, just give it a try. It's really not that much different than watching TV.

- That Raduljica character is one to keep an eye on. He might look like a Serbian lumberjack, but he's got some smooth moves. Strong tattoos, too.

- Not sure what happened with the Greek kid, Knight, and Ilyasova last night, but, man, Henson is something else. His arms are just too long. I don't trust him.

- How did you get Paul Pierce on the plane? Does he have family in Wisconsin?

- I gotta say, I'm liking the Bucks court. That green deer head in center court is tremendous and those wacky triangle-shaped pieces of lighter hardwood jutting out really ties it all together. You would think they would put the same amount of effort into building a roster.

That's it for now. Gotta get my brisket ready in time for football.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Daily Report - 12/7/2013

Good morning, Milwaukee! I just checked Accuweather and it's 6 degrees up there. Wow, that is cold! It's too bad because Milwaukee is kind of an underrated town. I know it's not really your style, but if you got a free hour there's a great art museum right by the water. The architecture alone is worth a look.

Anyway, on to the hoops. The Bucks are a pretty horrible team, but they scare me for a few reasons and not only because, obviously, the Nets are also a pretty horrible team.

Here are some notes:

 - Watch out for that Greek kid that everyone's in love with (I'm not getting paid enough to try to write his name. Joke!) and that John Henson character. If they start doing their long arm freak stuff, just throw Reggie on one and Mason on the other.

- I always thought it was weird when the NBA schedules a game a thousand miles away out of nowhere. You played in Brooklyn on Thursday and then you're home again on Tuesday. Why schedule a trip to Milwaukee right in the middle of that? I asked Adam Silver about this a few years ago and he just smiled a little and walked away in that way that he has.

- Also keep an eye on Ilyasova. If he decides to show up, it could get ugly. Maybe keep KG away from him. There's some Bargnani potential there.

- Just go ahead and pencil Brandon Knight in for 20-25 points. He's a firecracker and, to be totally candid, I don't think Tyshaun and Shaun are up to the challenge.

Stay warm. I'm gonna treat myself to a bloody mary.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Daily Report - 12/6/2013

Holy hell. That was one of the saddest displays of Nets basketball that I have ever seen. And this is coming from the guy who coached the team to an 0-17 start a few years ago.

Seriously, you made the Knicks look like an actual respectable basketball team last night, like the Sixers or the Celtics or something. They actually played like they liked each other. I mean, Melo had 6 assists! 6! (Did you give him some pointers before the game?)

Anyway, here are some random notes:

- If anyone asks, I'll take the blame for Shumpert. Yesterday in my notes I said to take it easy on him IF you were up by a lot late in the game, but that might have been too complex of a note for a rookie coach like yourself. From now on, just defend every professional basketball player as well as you can at all times.

- I mentioned my brown suede shoes earlier in the week. It's the craziest thing, I was eating a turkey sandwich yesterday and it just popped into my head that I actually left them in the cabinets by the hot tub and not the ones underneath the DVD player. Mind checking on that?

- The Knicks shot 71% in the first quarter. 71%! You really look like you could use a defensive assistant with NBA head coaching experience. (Joke! A wise man from Queens once said, "I guess I laugh to keep from crying.")

- I'll say it again -- You're not doing yourself any favors with that beard. Maybe you're going for the scruffy Euro look, but you really don't have the face for it. You're not a bad-looking guy by any means, but it's not just not working out.

- About that Bargnani/Garnett situation, tell KG to text me what Bargs said. I don't speak Italian myself, but don't forget, I'm from North Jersey. Let's just say, I know a guy who knows a guy.

That's all I got for now. I'm gonna go make a Spanish omelette. 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Daily Report - 12/5/2013

You're in luck today because you're playing the one team that's more pathetic than the Nets -- the New York Knicks. They can't defend, can't score, don't like each other, aren't coached well. They're basically the Nets except the owner isn't a dangerous but lovable billionaire. He's just a jerky alcoholic billionaire. Also their arena doesn't smell like a 13-year-old girl at her first middle school dance. It just smells like diesel fuel, urine, and stale popcorn.

So, this SHOULD be an easy win for us. (Can I still say "us"?) Maybe you remember a couple of plays the Knicks ran last year? Maybe you can leverage your knowledge of those plays into something that could help Brooklyn win? For example, maybe you know that Melo puts up three fingers when he wants to run a pick n' roll. If you see that, you can tell someone on the court, "Hey, a pick n' roll is coming!" But don't tell Blatche or Tyshawn because I don't think they know what a pick n' roll is. Don't tell Joe because he's scared to talk. Don't tell Brook because he needs to concentrate on rebounding. Don't tell KG because he ignores you. (Is he still ignoring you?) Don't tell . . .

Actually, forget all that. Just go out and play. Seriously. Just let the team play. The Knicks are so horrible they'll make more mistakes.

But since this is my "job" and I'm making something like $8,000 per "report," here are a few more notes:

1. Watch out for that Chris Smith kid. He's a real pistol. He'll be All-NBA in a year or two. (That's a joke. Jokes are ok, right?)

2. Tyson Chandler is injured and will not be playing. I repeat: Tyson Chandler is injured and will not be playing. This means Brook Lopez will have a much easier time scoring because he is tall and skilled. So try to get the ball to him more than once every six or seven minutes. How about every play? Or at least every other play?

3. Tyson Chandler is injured and will not be playing. I cannot stress this enough. It should be relatively easy to score inside against Andrea Bargnani, their only true big man. You know him, right? Tall Italian dude that rebounds even worse than Brook?

4. Mike Woodson has some really strong facial hair. If you really want to grow a beard and not just have that scruffy homeless man look, ask him for some pointers.

5. Make sure someone is guarding Carmelo Anthony at all times. As you may remember, he scores a lot and likes to shoot. Defending him is a necessity.

6. If Kenyon Martin has the ball, just back away and let him do whatever he wants with it. Chances are he'll make a mistake. Same with J. R. Smith.

7. If you're up a lot late in the game and Shumpert has the ball, just let him score. He's a good kid and I'm worried about him. 

8. Tyson Chandler is injured and will not be playing. Pass to Brook.

Good luck tonight or whatever. I'm gonna eat a bagel and Google Image Joumana.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Daily Report - 12/4/2013

I'm not sure if my new "reassignment" was supposed to start with the game last night or whatever. Either way, the team looked absolutely awful. All I can really say is that you made Jordan Hamilton look like an All-Star.

Just a few other notes:

- I left my brown suede shoes in the cabinet underneath the DVD player in the locker room. I didn't want to wear them out in the rain last week so I stashed them in there. Can you fed-ex them over to my house? I never want to set foot in that perfume-scented arena again.

- You should probably think about shaving before tomorrow's game. I know you're in Brooklyn and beards are cool with the hipsters, but it really makes you look even drunker than you actually are.

- Feel free to expand on the "philosophical differences" angle. What the hell does it matter anymore? It's not like I'm gonna show up at your house in Upper Saddle River and kick your ass. The season is lost so at least give the fans some kind of "Melrose Place" thing to think about. (I know, I know. My references are stuck in the mid-90s. I've been busy WATCHING GAME FILM since then. Yeah, GAME FILM. IT'S HOW COACHES PREPARE FOR OTHER TEAMS. IT'S LITERALLY A FILM OF GAMES THAT OTHER TEAMS HAVE PLAYED. COACHES WATCH IT BECAUSE THEY CAN'T BE AT EVERY GAME IN PERSON AND THEY LIKE TO KNOW WHO THEY'RE PLAYING AGAINST AND WHAT KIND OF OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE SCHEMES THEY USE SO THEY CAN PREPARE TO TRY TO BEAT THEM.)

That's all I got for now. I hate you.