You're in luck today because you're playing the one team that's more pathetic than the Nets -- the New York Knicks. They can't defend, can't score, don't like each other, aren't coached well. They're basically the Nets except the owner isn't a dangerous but lovable billionaire. He's just a jerky alcoholic billionaire. Also their arena doesn't smell like a 13-year-old girl at her first middle school dance. It just smells like diesel fuel, urine, and stale popcorn.
So, this SHOULD be an easy win for us. (Can I still say "us"?) Maybe you remember a couple of plays the Knicks ran last year? Maybe you can leverage your knowledge of those plays into something that could help Brooklyn win? For example, maybe you know that Melo puts up three fingers when he wants to run a pick n' roll. If you see that, you can tell someone on the court, "Hey, a pick n' roll is coming!" But don't tell Blatche or Tyshawn because I don't think they know what a pick n' roll is. Don't tell Joe because he's scared to talk. Don't tell Brook because he needs to concentrate on rebounding. Don't tell KG because he ignores you. (Is he still ignoring you?) Don't tell . . .
Actually, forget all that. Just go out and play. Seriously. Just let the team play. The Knicks are so horrible they'll make more mistakes.
But since this is my "job" and I'm making something like $8,000 per "report," here are a few more notes:
1. Watch out for that Chris Smith kid. He's a real pistol. He'll be All-NBA in a year or two. (That's a joke. Jokes are ok, right?)
2. Tyson Chandler is injured and will not be playing. I repeat: Tyson Chandler is injured and will not be playing. This means Brook Lopez will have a much easier time scoring because he is tall and skilled. So try to get the ball to him more than once every six or seven minutes. How about every play? Or at least every other play?
3. Tyson Chandler is injured and will not be playing. I cannot stress this enough. It should be relatively easy to score inside against Andrea Bargnani, their only true big man. You know him, right? Tall Italian dude that rebounds even worse than Brook?
4. Mike Woodson has some really strong facial hair. If you really want to grow a beard and not just have that scruffy homeless man look, ask him for some pointers.
5. Make sure someone is guarding Carmelo Anthony at all times. As you may remember, he scores a lot and likes to shoot. Defending him is a necessity.
6. If Kenyon Martin has the ball, just back away and let him do whatever he wants with it. Chances are he'll make a mistake. Same with J. R. Smith.
7. If you're up a lot late in the game and Shumpert has the ball, just let him score. He's a good kid and I'm worried about him.
8. Tyson Chandler is injured and will not be playing. Pass to Brook.
Good luck tonight or whatever. I'm gonna eat a bagel and Google Image Joumana.